Have you ever seen someone post a question or statement about a particularly controversial issue, and then cringe when you see how many comments are on the post? Do you ever find yourself drawn to reading through all those comments, even though you know the conversation is going to make you angry? Do you ever then join the conversation, even when you know that’s the worst idea, and the last thing you should be doing?
Yeah. I do too. To all of the above.
Why? Why do we do this to ourselves over and over again? Bare our teeth and claws (and worse) at people, and then regret it afterward because all we wanted was to explain our side, not to be a jerk.
Well, I don’t know about you, but in my case, I feel things strongly, and then I feel the need to explain why I feel the way I feel. And usually, I want to explain these things to someone who feels differently than I do. To what end? Oh, I don’t know…to change their mind? ABSURD, I know! Because how often do I actually change someone’s mind? How often does someone who thinks the exact opposite of what I think decide to completely change their point of view just because of one comment I made, directed at them on Facebook?
How about NEVER?
I don’t think I’ve ever succeeded in forcing someone to think the way I think, just by arguing with them on a social media platform.
Ok, but what if I feel that my point of view is important, and that it needs to be put out there for consideration?
AHA! Now THAT is a completely different question, with a completely different goal, when you stop to think about it. Yes, we should be able to present our experiences and points of view on different issues, and just have a good conversation. So, how do we do this in a way that accomplishes our goal of getting a specific point across, but without starting an argument or causing a contentious back-and-forth flinging of insults and proverbial backhands?
Here are five ideas for how to be respectful online, even when you don’t agree with someone else.
1. Make a goal of listening just as much as you talk
It’s easy to want to immediately jump in with our own story, our own opinions, and our own feelings. But the other person feels the same way. You both want to be heard, and you both feel you’re right, and you both have experience to back you up. So, what if instead of being so quick to talk, we try to listen first.
Read what someone has already said, read the responses, read the things they want other people to know. It’s important to find out as much as you can about the issue you’re going to talk about with others.
Think about the things you are going to present, and how they differ, and think about how you could contribute in a way that hasn’t already been tried. If someone else already offered up the same argument that you’re contemplating, chances are, you piping in isn’t going to help much. But if you can relate your experience in a different or more informative way, do it!
After you’ve commented, read the responses and think about them. Try to put yourself in the other person’s shoes and think how you yourself might respond in their situation.
When someone else gives you the courtesy of listening to you, the truth is, you’re much more willing to listen to them. And vice versa. Listening gives us the chance to learn, but also to formulate responses that better serve the conversation.
2. Don't say something online that you wouldn't say to someone's face
Why is it that we have greater courage online than we do in real life? Is it that we don’t have to look people in the eye when we say the things we’re going to say? Possibly. And that can be a good thing, but it can also be a terrible thing.
I’m sure most of us can admit that at one time or another, we’ve said things online that we wouldn’t even think about saying to someone if we were talking to them in person. And if we can admit that, then we should also admit that maybe we need to clean up our online personas a bit.
A good way to do this is to stop and ask yourself this question when you’re about to press Enter or Post on a comment: “If I were speaking to this person face-to-face, would I say what I’m about to say?”
If the answer is no, ask yourself a follow-up question: “How would I say what I want to say if I were looking this person in the eye right now?” Then formulate your comment in a different way.
Chances are, when we screen ourselves in this way, we’ll take out the unnecessary jabs and barbs that tend to come out when we’re not physically looking at the person we’re talking to.
3. Present your own experience, minus the anger and outrage
It’s easy to want to immediately show our anger and frustration for a certain situation or person right up front. But what if instead, we were to simply put forth the important situation or event that brought us to feel all those feelings, and just leave others to draw their own conclusion about how we feel?
There is so much anger and name-calling and bashing and cancelling going on online today, but not enough reasons sincerely put out there as jumping-off points for genuine conversations. Before pressing Enter on a bombastic comment that doesn’t truly address the issue, ask yourself if there’s a way to instead SHOW why you feel the way you feel.
After stating your experience or reasons, try expressing your feelings, but without all the negative connotations (or emojis, as the case may be). Have you ever seen someone simply state, “I’m angry.” No exclamation points, no expressions of full-blown tantrums, no name-calling toward those they perceive are at fault? It’s almost confusing. It stops me in my tracks a little, and makes me reflect on the reasons the person has stated, more than the attention-getting of the emotion they’re feeling.
Next time you start to post a response to something online, stop for a few seconds and try to pull the explosive emotions away from it so that the real reasons have room to come to the surface.
4. Ask questions
Many of us may find ourselves arguing with others online because we’re unable to see any point of view that’s not our own. But how can we expect to see another point of view if we don’t stop to consider it? The best way to do that is to ask questions.
When someone says something you don’t understand, ask them questions to clarify. Ask them why they feel a certain way, what made them see things the way they do, or what experience they’re drawing on that leads them to a specific conclusion.
Asking questions shows others that we’re not only concerned about ourselves, but that we are genuinely interested in their experiences and feelings as well. It helps to center the conversation and make it more human.
5. Show concern for others
No matter your own experience, your own problems, your own concerns, it’s important to show others that you care about them and their problems as well. Nothing puts someone else off more than the attitude that we’re only looking out for ourselves and no one else.
When the person you’re talking to explains their point of view, show that you’re listening. Show them that you care about THEIR heartache, THEIR problems, and THEIR feelings, even while you’re putting yours out there on the line.
If you want to counter a point they brought up, begin by finding something you DO understand about how they feel. “I understand that [this] makes you feel [this way]. Have you ever thought about…?”
Showing that you truly care about someone else’s feelings will help to make the conversation more meaningful in ways that matter, and will help keep the conversation from entering the zone of pure contention.
If at the end of this, you find yourself thinking, “Woah, no conversation online is really worth all this work!” maybe that’s the truth. Maybe you should save your strength and proverbial breath for those things you really care about and truly feel should be addressed, rather than adding fuel to conversations that are going nowhere.
If you decide that your voice is important, remember that listening, asking questions, taking the anger out, showing concern, and only saying what you would say in person are good ways to help a conversation be helpful, informative, and edifying on all sides.
What are some ways you’ve found to help yourself and others be civil during conversations online? Share this post in your own feed and tell us about your own solutions!